John Querty, reporting from his basement.

An investigation has been launched into the methods of Detective Chief Inspector Barnaby after it was discovered that 192 deaths have occured in the town of Midsomer during his investigations there, equaling almost two thirds of the average annual murder count of Australia.

Reported then deported

In an attempt to avoid international scrutiny during the 2008 Summer Olympic Games, Beijing has shunned media blackouts for the worlds largest whiteout. Initially used to cover up non-existent fireworks for the opening ceremony, authorities kept the "healthy smog" in place to cover up the empty stadiums during events. Experts have speculated that China will use this smog to it's advantage in the near future, when it denies ever hosting such a dull and uneventful Olympics.

John Querty, Reporting from China

The great and mercyful Hu Jintao has honoured world people with most gracious gift of mighty olympic hosting. With great tolerance for pewny scrawny world others, China provide much brightly beakon for with very great freedom and environment, leading smaller dirtier others with better path and wisdom.
All hail Hu Jintao.

Reported by one thousand monkeys working at one thousand typewriters.

Kylie Minogue today was awarded the title of OBE for "services to music", in what can only be assumed as proof that the Queen is going a bit senile. Mrs Minogue expressed that she was an excellent choice as a defender of the crown, as no enemy has yet listened to a version of "The Locomotion" without autotune and lived to tell of the horrors.

Receiving a medallion from Prince Charles (Mrs Minogue being sick of the sight of Queens), Mrs Minogue told reporters "it's Pretty", and then went on to tell the gripping story of how, upon arriving at the Buckingham palace, she realised she was no longer in Melbourne.

When quizzed on how much longer the 40 year old will stay in the industry, Mrs Minogue claimed she would like to keep going for another sixty years, curtailing the reporters further inquiries as to whether her celebrity lifestyle had affected her grip on reality at all.

One hundred and twenty other people who have never been on the front cover of Who weekly also received honours during the ceremony.

Dannii Minogue is expected to begin lobbying for an OBE of her own within the week.

Reported by Qwerty McGee

In an unprecedented attempt at actually doing more than just saying the words, world peace has become a top issue for Miss Universe, who has started her contribution as a Greenpeace spokesperson. However, Greenpeace has expressed that their messages may have more effect if written by a literate person, and as such have hired Miss South Carolina of the Miss Teen USA competition, to clean up the mess.

Reported by Harry McGee

Today's youths, stretched by ever inflating "alcopop" taxes and the removal of flavour additives from supermarket shelves nationwide, have found themselves forced to turn to illicit drugs that are now more easily obtained and without the need for an irresponsible adult. Outraged parent groups are placing the blame solely on Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, and are urging that he not only scraps his increased taxes, but provide an easier means by which youths may access alcohol.